So, I’ve been going through a lot lately, and I’ve always reverted to that mindset that I must be getting punished for something ( yes, that would be my Catholic upbringing) when things go awry.
Remember that book that was written awhile ago, I think like 15 or 20 years ago and it was called When Bad Things Happen to Good People, do you remember it?I believe it was a best seller. I just looked it up on Wiki and it was written in the 80’s (damn, I’m old)
Anyways, this was the gist of this rabbi’s book, written when he lost his son…
When Bad Things Happen to Good People (ISBN 1–4000–3472–8) is a 1981 book by Harold Kushner, a Conservative rabbi. Kushner addresses in the book one of the principal problems of theodicy, the conundrum of why, if the universe was created and is governed by a God who is of a good and loving nature, there is nonetheless so much suffering and pain in it — essentially, the evidential problem of evil.
See that problem of evil? Here is the synopsis of this statement…
This is where I get stuck. Seriously.
Why does shit keep happening to me? Like bad shit?
Now, I’m not that naive to think that bad shit isn’t going to happen to me, but come on, I’ve just about had my fill of bad shit.
Homeless, then had a home. Homeless again,then moved in with a family member. Homeless again when I pointed out that my daughter in law was bringing home men, when she clearly stated she loved my son. (she kicked me out)Went to live with another relative who worshiped Trump, thinking Trump would have his back, but unbeknownst to this relative ( who has dark skin) Trump would have him arrested by ICE agents if he could rid the US of dark skinned peoples. Lived with said relative for six months till I finally had to leave because of a nervous breakdown because said relative was acting like a warden.
Finally thought I found a place of my own, only to have been denied said place because of paperwork done haphazardly by the apartment management. And I applied THREE times and paid TWICE the application fee, but never got a refund.
And since I was not about to go back to jail with said dark skinned relative, I started living in my car, to the tune of almost two months ( thank goodness for Walmart and their 24 hour open policy, because that’s where I would go potty in the middle of the night)
Then a co-worker was looking for a roommate ( EUREKA! I have struck gold!!) and I told her that I could afford half her rent payment, so I lived for a couple of weeks in her apartment and oh my, it was WONDERFUL!!!
I had my own bathroom in my room, there was a washer/dryer, water and sewer and garbage were paid, and my part of the rent was only $700.00, which was something I could afford…
I was at work and I felt this sharp abdominal pain. I just thought I had ate WAY TOO MANY shortbread cookies ( because I do that). So, we have local EMT’s on site and after being examined by this cute young man of 23 years, he suggests I go to the emergency room.
I don’t even make it out of the parking lot, when the searing pain rips through me, as if I were giving birth, and I wish I had, because then at least the pain would have been worth it.
I had just enough time to pull into a parking slot and dial 911 and hit my hazards and fall in and out of consciousness.
I am taken away in an ambulance, after spending several hours at the ER, I find out I have KIDNEY STONES.
Now, mind you, my employer has a very strict policy of attendance, and in saying this, I was docked several points for my last illness of BRONCHITIS, and my employer would not accept my doctors note to stay away from work for four days to rest up.
This latest incident cost me more POINTS against my attendance, and in returning to work ( literally the next day after my stone-passing incident) I was RELIEVED of my duties.
I WAS FIRED.
My whole world crashed around me.
I just got back on my feet. I got a job. I just saved up enough to buy a car. I bought said car. I was ready to move into an apartment.
I sit at the library everyday, looking for a job.
I live in my car from time to time, and I also have friends who let me couch surf, but I feel like a total failure.
I even went to the doctor to have them up my meds so I don’t do something stupid.
All this happened because of stupid kidney stones and a stupid policy about attendance.
I know, I know. Things happen for a reason.
Or maybe there is no reason.
All I know is that I’m tired.
Reason, reason, I just want it to stop.