Maybe We Can Learn Something

…from the Kinksters

Violet DeTorres
6 min readOct 2, 2018

Kink ( sexuality)

In human sexuality, kinkiness is the use of unconventional sexual practices, concepts or fantasies. The term derives from the idea of a “bend” (cf. a “kink”) in one’s sexual behaviour, to contrast such behaviour with “straight” or “vanilla” sexual mores and proclivities. It is thus a colloquial term for non-normative sexual behaviour.[1] The term “kink” has been claimed by some who practice sexual fetishism as a term or synonym for their practices, indicating a range of sexual and sexualistic practices from playful to sexual objectification and certain paraphilias. In the 21st century the term “kink”, along with expressions like BDSM, leather and fetish, has become more commonly used than the term paraphilia.[1] Some universities also feature student organizations focused on kink, within the context of wider LGBTI concerns.[2] In this setting, kink can be seen as one of the variations that make up the “Q” in LGBTQ.[1] ( thanks wiki)

Just this past weekend, San Francisco held its annual Folsom Street Fair.

And I wanted to attend the fair, but I had to work.

Why did I want to go?

I had lots of reasons, but mostly out of curiosity. Also, now that I live near the city, I get to experience things I would have never been able to access in the past.

However, I realized one important fact…

This “space” was not “my” space. And with that being said, I had to “respect” said space.

Let me elaborate…

Many years ago, when I started hanging out in gay clubs, I understood that I was a “ guest.” That I had to mind my manners. I was a straight person entering “ their” space. And most of the time, I would NOT enter certain clubs until my gay friends showed up, then I walked in WITH them…however, over time, when the door security told me I was “family”, I could enter without waiting for others to escort me in. And I was honored by that fact.

There were times I would be ashamed of being “ straight” , when other straight people would enter these clubs and act like they “ owned” the place and acted like assholes, because to them ( the straights) the LGBTQIA community were freaks to ridicule and make fun of.

Why was the LGBTQIA looked upon as freaks and not of the “ norm”?

Its all about the culture and what society deems as “ normal” behavior.

Who deems what is acceptable behavior?


The patriarchy.

It was the patriarchy who deemed homosexuality a sin and a mental disorder.

First published in 1968, DSM-II (the American classiifcation of mental disorders) listed homosexuality as a mental disorder. In this, the DSM followed in a long tradition in medicine and psychiatry, which in the 19th century appropriated homosexuality from the Church and, in an élan of enlightenment, transformed it from sin to mental disorder.

What is sad is how much effect the patriarchy has upon how we view one another.

For example, when we see a woman dressed in a particular way…

We think, “Hmm…a hooker.”

Or when we see young women dressed to go clubbing…

(dailyUK images)

Now, for me, I think they are a bit over exposed, however I come from a different time and place.

I think women should be able to wear what they want, without fear of repercussions.


The patriarchy will tell you that by the way these women are dressed, they are “ asking” for “ it”.

Remember the Stanford Rapist? Sure you do.


Here is a list of misconceptions about “ asking for it”…

  • If a woman is raped while she is drunk, she is at least somewhat responsible for letting things get out of control.
  • When women go around wearing low‐cut tops or short skirts, they’re just asking for trouble.
  • If a woman goes home with a man she doesn’t know, it is her own fault if she is raped.
  • When a woman is a sexual tease, eventually she is going to get in trouble.
  • A woman who ‘teases’ men deserves anything that might happen.
  • When women are raped, it’s often because the way they said ‘no’ was ambiguous.
  • A woman who dresses in skimpy clothes should not be surprised if a man tries to force her to have sex.
  • A woman who goes to the home or apartment of a man on the first date is implying that she wants to have sex.
  • A woman who goes to the home or apartment on their first date implies that she is willing to have sex.
  • When women go around braless or wearing short skirts and tight tops, they are just asking for trouble.
  • Women who get raped while hitchhiking get what they deserve.
  • A woman who is stuck‐up and thinks she is too good to talk to guys on the street deserves to be taught a lesson.
  • If a woman gets drunk at party and has intercourse with a man she’s just met there, she should be considered ‘fair game’ for other males at the party who want to have sex with her too, whether she wants to or not.

This is the patriarchy at its finest.

This is where the kink phrase…


As women, we have all kinds of “gear”.

  • Sexy underwear
  • Revealing clothes
  • High heels
  • Etc, etc, etc…

That doesn’t mean that MEN have the right to ASSAULT women.

That also doesn’t mean that WOMEN have the right to tell other women it’s okay to be GROPED.

The unidentified woman made a point of telling her two teen daughters this during a live interview Tuesday on MSNBC.

“Groping a woman? At 18?” she said, before asking her daughters, “I mean, how many guys do you know who think that’s no big deal?”

Notice how she asked her “ daughters” what guys think about groping…

No where does she ask the “ opinion” of “ her daughters”.

Her “ daughters” have no say in the matter.

This mother NEGATED the fact that her daughters would have an opinion on being GROPED.

After the two girls nodded in agreement, the mother reiterated, “It’s not a big deal.”

She has just told her daughters that sexual assault is OKAY.

“Its not a big deal”

How horrifying is that statement??

Nothing like having your MOTHER hold the door open for those who want to sexually assault you…

This woman is a FUCKING IDIOT.

This is how patriarchy damages women.

“Its not a big deal”

What is WRONG with these people?


On a lighter note, here is a picture from the street fair held in the past.

I suspect this duck has more sense than those who think sexual assault is no big deal.



Violet DeTorres

The Master’s Tools Will Never Dismantle the Master’s House // " When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time" --Maya Angelou