you're not crazy, far from it. what i see in your motivations is what comes shining through, and that is your love of Christ. in every endeavor, the base for you is done in Christ's love and the healing that comes with it and the willingness and openness to share it.

for me, to have self care, i have to have some sort of emotional cutoff, especially in family dynamics, where if others so very toxic, to continue with relations with them ends up hurting oneself. its a principle learned in counseling, and with it, learning to walk away. i know that i can't change those around me, if their behavior is no longer decent in my eyes, and i know when its time to shake the dust off my feet when i have tried to show compassion, empathy, and concern for others in hopes it will change the social divisions that are firmly planted in place.

i know i have stopped caring and i am truly at a loss for words.

i allow everyone that notion of "free will" and they can act and respond accordingly. that is something they will have to account for when the time comes. as for treating others with respect and care, i think its a noble and wise concept, but when someone is holding a gun to your head, threatening you with bodily harm, not because you have harmed them, but because they don't believe you have the right to exist and breathe the air, i just don't have it anymore.

i want to make the world a better place, for my children and grandchild, to teach them love and compassion, but not at the expense of them losing their lives because above all else, they need to respect and love those who are their enemies...

i'm not ready to lose them.

your convictions have always been stronger than mine, and that's who you are. i'm not that way. i wish my belief in love was like yours. i'm fatigued by the demonstrative action of love. i've been to the front lines, i've seen the Proud Boys up front, the militias in Portland, showing them i love them doesn't work, but their love of knocking people to the ground does.

i'm not willing to stay in place and wait patiently. we're told that over and over again. wait and it will get better. wait and they will change, you'll see...

its like watching a couple in abusive marriage. he only hit you once, it was a mistake, he won't do it again...america teaches abuse and oppression as a way of life. it truly is a form of stockholm syndrome.

maybe its not my time to move forward. but the seed has been planted...

as always, a good conversation has been had.

thanks clay (hearts)